I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
