I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
