Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It's shark week go big or go home
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
