John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
