this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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