I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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