6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
