Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He shit in the fireplace
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
