hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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