her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
