Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
