I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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