I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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