i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
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