your parents love me but you hate me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
