I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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