You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
