I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Drunk is a universal language darling
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