I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
accomplished twins. life is a go
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
