i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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