if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
All I want is dick and wine.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
