just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
