While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ketchup is God's man juice
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
