I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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