Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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