yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
