Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
