i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
