these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
