My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
