kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
