Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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