i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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