It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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