i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
