I want to walk on stilts...naked
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
