My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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