I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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