why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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