i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
