last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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