Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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