I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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