I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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