don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
