I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
