our cab driver is having phone sex.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
