Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Operation Purity has been aborted
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
