I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Randomize
