you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
