I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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