I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
