2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
