Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
His hands were made for my vagina.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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