I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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