just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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