I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
