This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
