Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
