I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
