He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
she told me i tasted like america
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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